So many citizens have expressed concern over the loss of the concept of “small” that an effort is being considered to reinstate it in our local schools.
      The controversy began in fast food establishments around town, where the option for drinks is either “medium” or “large”.
In our opinion the concept of “medium” is meaningless without the concept of “small”, since “medium” is the same thing as saying “in-between”.
      If medium is not in-between then it ought to be called “small”.
Apparently most attempts to explain “small” to the fast food establishments are answered by vacant stares from the budding endochrinologists and rocket scientists who work there after school.
      Owners of these franchises have posted signs advising patrons not to confuse our future nuclear engineers and appeals court justices with concepts they can not yet grasp and to just go ahead and order the “medium” drink if they want the nonexistent “small”.
      This, in our view, is like asking someone to meet you between six o:clock.
      It does our future tenured professors no good at all when the school curriculum foregoes teaching “small” to them just to make room for courses in video games and the dangers of all foods containing sugar, fat and red meat.
We applaud the school board’s addressing this issue and we encourage citizens to refuse to accept any “medium” drink from a franchise food establishment until they reinstate “small”.

 News from Medicine

      Doctors now say that suicide is the leading cause of death among people who take their own lives.

Let’s Put Bigfoot to Rest!

      On Monday night, Kenny Tuckerford fired two blasts from a 12-gauge shotgun from his upstairs bedroom on Moss Street, at what he claimed was Bigfoot. He narrowly missed Ray Thatcher and his large, black Newfoundland retreiver who were out for a stroll.
      Ever since two hunters claimed to have spotted Bigfoot near Howell Mountain in October, these sorts of incidents have been occuring.
      Two domestic cats were killed locally by steel bear traps over the weekend. Bear traps are not allowed in Earnest but, as far as we know, Bigfoot is perfectly legal.
      The hunters said they chased Bigfoot for almost a mile along Tully Creek until he escaped into thick woods. They claimed he was wearing a tattered, red flannel shirt.
      We think some cool-headed analysis is in order.
      Sheriffs Deputy Harlan Biggers told the Herald that the pair sighted Bigfoot in the same area where notorious moonshiner, Pinckney Hillhouse, is thought to be operating several whiskey stills.
      Bigfoot is probably just as able to avoid capture as Mr. Hillhouse. We doubt that either of the two would voluntarily visit Earnest. Moreover, if Bigfoot really does wear a red flannel shirt then we find it not beyond a reasonable likelihood that he is also making whiskey.
      We hope Sheriff Wayne Fawcett and Mayor Felton Claypool soon put Mr. Hillhouse out of business and Bigfoot along with him.

Humans identified as cause ...

      Cargo cults in the western Pacific have found evidence of global warming using “computers” made from conch shells, bird feathers and old ammunition crates. They identified the cause as man-made television.

Why We Oppose Electing
Elmore Fitch Supervisor

      The candicacy of Elmore Fitch for District Supervisor should not be endorsed by reasonable citizens. It is true, as Mr. Fitch himself points out, that he has never been convicted of murder or bank robbery but that doesn’t make him a qualified candidate.
      Should someone who states publically his opposition to all forms of electricity be put into a position of public trust?
We don’t think so.
      Agreed, Mr. Fitch has never been charged with extortion, embezzlement or counterfitting, as he points out, but he did run for the U.S. Senate six times.
      Mr. Fitch revealed a plan last week to go back to the use of Roman numerals in the conduct of all county business. What’s next, we ask; heiroglyphics? Smoke signals?
      Don’t laugh. Mr. Fitch has gone on record supporting the use of beaver pelts for currency.
Moreover, we see Mr. Fitch’s stated desire to make the Law of Gravity legally binding as a fool’s errand. He could just as easily repeal it and obtain the same result.
      It is our opinion that Elmore Fitch would do far better to seek psychiatric evaluation instead of public office.
      We’ll supply the beaver pelts.

Lonnie “Son” Birdman

      Mr. Birdman, 57, longtime freelance yardman in Earnest, passed away Sunday after suffering the effects of a concussion. He had stepped on a rake in his yard at 240 East Pecan Avenue the day before.
“      Son”, as everybody around town knew him, was a masterful guitar player and songster who entertained townsfolk with his impromptu, one-man concerts between yard jobs. When anyone made a request for a particular tune, “Son” would invariably respond with his own soulful interpretation of “Oh Susannah.” Unbeknownst to many, this was the only melody “Son” knew, masterful though he was.
      ‘Son” leaves behind his mother, Mrs. Gladys Birdman, 102 Lakeman, and two brothers living in Cletus.
      The family has donated “Son’s” guitar to Mitchell’s Fertilizer & Hardware, with whom he did a lot of business over the years. Mitchell’s will hang it over the hand trimmer section, next to the clay pots. Services pending.

Earnestine Caruthers

      Mrs. Earnestine Caruthers, 94, 247 West North Street, passed away peacefully Saturday, surrounded by family at Limited Religion Hospital.
      Mrs. Caruthers was ther first female air traffic controller from Earnest, the first female radio disk jockey from Earnest and the first female to fly an open cockpit airplane in Howell county.
      During Prohibition, Mrs. Caruthers was active in the import business and became skilled at flying and radio communication. Some of her accomplishments in the business became legendary around Earnest until Prohibition was repealed in 1933. She is thought to have been the one who supplied the adult refreshments for the 1928 Republican convention.
      Services are at Fiercely Independent Presbyterian Church Wednesday at noon.

Radford “Rad” Hardesty         

Mr. Hardesty, 82, of Rural Route 3, died on the front porch of his home Saturday. Relatives said he had been sampling the product which he manufactured when he slumped in his rocking chair and expired.
      Ever since he started a three-county “delivery route” in 1946, Mr. Hardesty had been known as one of the fastest drivers on the back roads of Howell County, his skills becoming widely respected among members of law enforcement and the dirt track racing community.
      Mr. Hardesty had a plant in an unidentified location off old Route 17, near Thornberry, and produced various essenses from grain products which were sold throughout the tri-county area, according to the Sheriff’s office.
In an irony noted by members of the family, Mr. Hardesty passed away on the same day as one of his longtime customers, Earnestine Caruthers, whose obituary appears adjacent.
Services for Mr. Hardesty will be at The Goodness Gracious Baptist Chruch, Thursday at 11: 00 a.m.
      In lieu of flowers, friends and relatives are asked to donate to the Howell County Dirt Track Benevolent Club in his memory.

Thought for the Ages
    You can trust the old saying that the only certainties in life are death and taxes. You can also trust the Lamar-Wofford Funderal Home to make burial and cremation a comforting experience for all, regardless of costs.

 Lamar-Wofford
“The Rest is Final “