Bringing you the
South on a plate 

Without a regular schedule or any remorse for not having one

Bob Cotten

Publisher, Editor -In- Chief

          The Earnest Herald is the first newspaper in the country to tell its readers right off the bat that it is basically a thatch of fictions. We put our ability to report stuff that never happened right up there with the major newspapers of our time, proving that size, money and power are no match for an honest liar. Reading false stuff that you can trust to be false all the time is way less harmful to your mental well-being than reading false stuff that you think is true even some of the time.

UFO’s to Cure Global Warming?
Not So Fast Opines One Skeptic

          A Former Canadian Defense Minister maintains that UFO secrets should be wrested from government control and used to cure global warming. Reasoning that since alien spacecraft had to travel across billions of miles to get here, they must be extremely fuel efficient.
          “Naaa, you can’t believe that,” said Zeke Barnes, Earnest UFO Spotter’s Club Vice President, “and I’ll tell you why. They was one of ‘em come zoomin’ over here last Wednesday when I was out cuttin’ the grass and it needed a overhaul worse than my pickup. Man, it was belchin’ smoke all the way to them hills over yonder and I could smell it for as long as it took the wind to pick up.
          “Far as I’m concerned, they probably CAUSING global warming. To Hell with curing it.”
 

Newest Airline Announces
Bargain Fares to Caribbean
by Tommy Lake Ferguson, Local Editor

          Folks staying at home because of rising airline ticket prices, might want to check out No Longer a Virgin Airways, a new service from Atlanta to locations across the Caribbean. A typical round-trip ticket costs less than $200 and includes meals with beverages, not including alcohol. (BYOB allowed).
          “It’s a new concept,” said No Longer a Virgin CEO, Brad “Buzz” Barrington, “flying reconditioned Ford Trimotors and old C-3’s that get good gas mileage and don’t need much upkeep. Some of these babies still got the original wicker seats in ‘em.”

Always a great flight

          Barrington said his fleet currently consists of 7 of the old, workhorse airplanes which only fly when the weather is good.
          “That way,” said Barrington, “you’re bound to have a nice flight. Of course, for the same reason, we are not able to specify your exact return date but at least you’re somewhere on a beach. In an emergency, we can run one of our crop dusters over from south Florida to pick you up but that can get expensive.”
          Meals aboard No Longer a Virgin Air flights include breakfast, lunch and dinner, sometimes all three during the same day, depending on airspeed, head winds and inter-island repair stops.
          “We fed some folks breakfast out of Atlanta going to Barbados last week and they even squeezed in a midnight snack before hitting the runway. Before landing, I should say.”

Convenient location

          No Longer a Virgin Airways’ regional ticket office is at 355 Rusty Shank Road, just past the Cletus mall, next door to Goodwill, right behind Burger Queen, upstairs in the back office over the plumbing supply place. Door on the left.

Here's the Earnest truth:

          The town of Earnest exists all around the south but you’ll only find in one place here. Unlike Atlantis, which still advertises that it is real, Earnest is completely and unabashedly made up. The Earnest Herald is a real newspaper but it, too, is a large fudge of the facts and if you find your name in it, be assured that nobody got it out of a phone book or off a police blotter. It was randomly harvested out of thin air. You are welcome to claim that it really is you if you want to, however.

Youth Advocate Stresses
Dangers of Slothfulness

          THORNBERRY ---Well-known TV personality, Father Harry Tyson Corcoran, says boys need to know how bad habits can lead to ruin. “It’s a terrible thing to commit an act of murder,” he said at a meeting of the Thornberry Quilters Tea & Scones Club.
          “Sooner or later that person will be involved in theft and robbery and other forms of violence, he continued, “and, before you know it, they’re getting drunk at the pub and smoking cigarettes.
          “It’s seldom long afterwards that they move right into cursing and skipping school and from there almost inevitable that they start going without a shave and sleeping late and missing church.
          “It’s a short step from that to deliberately disobeying their mothers and not keeping their rooms tidy and forgetting to say ‘thank you’ when someone does them a kindness.”
          Father Corcoran will appear on The Gladys Treacle Show next month. Check local listings.

Science Update

          Scientists writing in the prestigious Journal of Approximate Medicine report that the deliberate cultivation of stinky armpits, garlic breath and unseemly hygiene are substitutes for “threat” displays in lower animals and serve to keep rivals at bay without resorting to violence. It is often successful, the article stated.
 

The Rolls-Royce of the Ivy League? ...
Duke University Boast Is
Catalyst for Other Schools
by Alice-Anne Varnadoe, Staff writer

         The 2006 lacrosse dust up at Duke University revealed that some there like to promote the school as “the Harvard of the South”, even though Harvard does not seem to enjoy being called “The Duke of the Ivy League” or, for that matter, the “Duke” of anything.
         Stanford University in California was once called “the Harvard of the West”, so the people who want Duke to be “the Harvard of the South” may have got their idea from Stanford. Harvard, incidentally, seems never to have been interested in becoming “the Stanford of the Northeast.”
         Recent unverified reports suggest that fundamentalist Christian Bob Jones University may soon refer to itself as “the Harvard of bible colleges” and that the Elwood P. Dillmont Vo-Tech School in Bartlett County is now calling itself “the Harvard of Two-Year Industrial Arts Junior Colleges”.
         Meanwhile, Duke spokespersons revealed that no legal entity anywhere has indicated a willingness to be called the “Duke” of anything including Stanford University, Earnest High School or the landfill over near Atlanta, currently referred to as “the Great Pyramid of Waste Dumps.”

"The pancakes they will serve you in Heaven!" For a true taste of the real south! Fresh,stone-ground grits,cornmeal,multi-grain pancake mix, smoked sausage and red sugar cane syrup: The perfect Gift Box!

          WASHINGTON --- It’s called the “BS Jukebox” and it features the edited voices of many well-known presidential candidates, members of Congress and other elected careerists delivering two-minute campaign statements which are generated by a computer as parodies.
          The idea is simple: you put a dollar into the bar’s BS jukebox, select the category of political BS you think would be funny then pick a politician and the computer does the rest. Some of the categories are: “No Child Gets Ahead”, “Economics Without Money” and “The Government Can Pay for All Your Stuff.”
          A poll revealed last week’s most popular diplomatic features were “All Options Are on the Table”, “We Will Not Negotiate” and “Success is Not an Option.”
          Fans of the BS Jukebox typically play the same track with a well-known Republican then with a Democrat.
          The non-diplomatic category at the top of the BS Hit Parade this week is “There Are Fifteen Americas”,” and the favorite voices were those of John Edwards, NC (D), Dennis Kucinich, OH (D) and John McCain, AZ (R) although a poll revealed that the voice getting the most laughs was that of CA Republican Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger:
          “Vee hayfe to put diss kantry beck to-gezzer are vee chust gung to go back-verds,” etc.
          Critics of BS Jukebox complain that parody of politicians is no longer possible, given the definition of parody as “a burlesque imitation of the serious.” They observe that seriousness, when taken to extremes routinely observed in politicians, is no longer actually serious and that there is nothing anyone can do to make politicians any more parodic than they already are.
          Efforts to ban BS Jukebox before it gets on the internet are being spearheaded by both the Democratic and Republican campaign committees with the U.S. Department of State cautiously lending tentative and conditional support.

What’s on the TV Tonight
Your prime time lineup
6:00-6:30     Live at Six: coverage of murder, fires, police beatings, sports, weather, etc.
*6:30-7:00     Money Sucks: capitalism is causing global warming in several parts of Alabama and New Hampshire.
7:00-7:30     Wild, Indecent Girls go Even Wilder. Tonight’s episode: more of the same.
**7:30-8:00*     Greatest Fatal Car Chases ever seen on tape.(PG)
8:00-8:30     Grisliest Electric Kitchen Tool Accidents Tonight: “The blender.”
8:00-9:00     Toilet Emergencies Myrna gets her arm partly flushed down the toilet while retreiving jewellry.(Sitcom: PG)
9:00-9:30     Largemouth Bass! Tonight’s episode; how the scaly buggers reproduce, give birth, eat, die, etc.
9:30-10:00     It’s a Conspiracy: (Alar, trans-fats, carbohydrates, too much salt --- all foretell the end of history as seen by Nostradamus.)
9:30-10:00     Designer Queer Guy Mud Wrestling. Live From Las Vegas (PG)
10:00-10:30     News at Ten: coverage of weather, sports, murder, fire, police beatings, etc.

         *(Replaces special interview with the doctor behind development of new influenza vaccine).
         **(The documentary on the cultural evolution of tribal and nomadic peoples has been cancelled. Instead viewers may watch a spinout in a stolen car which ends up underneath an18-wheeler).
         Note:  Next week’s special on Mozart is being replaced by a Barry Manilow concert. (repeat showing by popular demand).