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Bringing you the
South on a plate
 Without
a regular schedule or any remorse for not having one
Bob Cotten
Publisher,
Editor -In- Chief
The Earnest Herald is awise alternative to
regular news. The object of regular news is to make you mad, insult your intelligence and sweep facts
under the rug. Some newspapers just make the
news up and then tell you that it isn’t made up because
somebody is “leaking” the information. The
Earnest Herald will never stoop to such tactics because
we go ahead and admit that the news is made
up to start with. Plus you can rest assured that
anytime anybody comes in here leaking, we will
show them the door
You can’t buy these grits
in a store: Here’s why -- |
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They are fresh-ground
on a genuine, granite
stone mill only once a
week to insure peak
freshness and flavor.
But you can buy ‘em
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Thought for the Day
The Road Goes On
By Gideon Leary
The Road goes on, come a cold day,
The clouds roll in, maybe gonna’ stay.
Coffee’s done on, so wake ol’ Dan
Smell them hotcakes bakin’ in the pan.
Mama’s in the kitchen, chickens on the lawn
Come a cold day, the road goes on. |
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Cooperation, Bipartisanship Set New Tone in Washington |
WASHINGTON, D.C. --- Tired of apparently
ceaseless bickering, backstabbing,
name-calling and other forms of infantile behavior,
a joint Senate-House committee has
penned a “Promise to the Voters” which would
completely eliminate tantrums during debate
by 2008, phase out snide remarks by the end
of this year and penalize members for deliberate
lying on television by the end of the current
session.
Mom and Pop off limits?
Members were hung up for two weeks on whether the slander componentwould be retroactive to January and whether or not the declaration included a penalty for saying nasty things about an opponents’ mother or father 60 days before an election.
While working hard to craft legislation that will create more costs than benefits across the board, members agreed it would probably be good to look like they were cooperating while they did it.
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The Truth in Earnest
The town of Earnest exists only in
memory and imagination and in the pages of its
newspaper. You can find elements of both the town and
the paper in many places around the south if you go
looking for them --- but who has time for that? We’ve
taken the liberty of fabricating it all for you right here.
Be advised that none of the names used in the Earnest
Herald are actual people. However, if you want to claim
that a name is really yours we won’t object
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Listen up civics class...
How Congress Works
WASHINGTON, D.C. --- The Senate is preparing
its own version of a bill drafted by the House which
mandates raising the social security retirement age to
85 and cuts benefits to however many quarters fit in a
coffee can. The bill also would provide taxi service, cold
beer and free root canals to illegal aliens.
The Senate version alters the bill to allow members
to vote on proposed legislation after it has been
discussed over a few drinks but before it can be written
down or debated, and allows Canada to annex Maine
and Detroit.
House members want to knock out a Senate proposal
naming West Virginia after Senator Robert Byrd
and are holding fast for a binding resolution giving Houston
back to Mexico and making provolone the official
cheese of New Jersey
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Science Update
Scientists writing in the Journal of Anomalous
Genetic Research report they are now “pretty darn sure”
that Pennsylvania Republican Senator, Arlen Spector,
is from our own galaxy.
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Bertie Quarry Road
to Close for Repairs
by Peety Quigley, staff writer
Begining next Monday, the southbound exit ramp off Florida Highway onto Bertie Quarry Road will be closed while crews repair a sinkhole. Traffic is advised to get off one exit north of there, at Church Road.
However, there is no way to get back onto Bertie Quarry Road from Church Road so motorists may elect to get off three miles south of the closed exit at the Sloop Creek Trail exit, go eastbound for a half-mile, turn left at the light at State Road 209, go two miles or so north to Mack’s Store Road and then head back west to Florida Highway and take the northbound ramp onto Bertie Quarry Road unless crews have closed that ramp, too.
Road Repair supervisor, Clyde Pooler said there are other alternatives.
“Florida Highway has any number of perfectly good exit ramps both north and south of the Bertie Quarry Road exit,” he said, “in fact, there are exits all around Earnest on most of our major roadways. It might not be a bad idea to try some of them for a change. You might be pleasantly surpirsed”
Correction
In an earlier unrelated story under the headline: “Bertie Quarry Marble Used in the Washington
Monument” the Herald failed to identify the monument
as the Washington County B.P.O.E. monument. We apologize to anyone who may have been mislead and to the membership of the Elks Lodge.
"The pancakes they will serve you in Heaven!"
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(But you can try them here, first!)
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Doctors Rule Out Examination Gowns With Ties in the Front |
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Ever since their invention, hospital and
medical clinic examination gowns have been made with the tie-ribbons in the back which are strategically
placed so that patients are unable to line them
up or to tie them successfully.
Here, put this on ...
Generations of patients have put on these
skimpy, short, cold gowns after they have removed
all or most of their clothes and then discover that
they cannot tie them and are forced to reveal their
rear ends on the way down the hall for treatment. The Comfy-Cozy Medical Robe Company
near Pine Knot, has responded to this by developing
an examination gown with evenly-spaced ties in the
front. The gowns are long enough to reach below
the knees and are made of soft flannel instead of thin,
flour-sack like material.
...the doctor will be in to see you in about two hours
However, doctors at all three area hospitals
have overwhelmingly opposed the use of the new
gowns because they “detract from the medical
model.”
“Patients need to be humiliated,” said Dr.
Lamont Wormley at Limited Religion Hospital, “and
the old-style gowns do a great job of cutting them
down to size and making them feel helpless, frustrated
and scared. Once we have them de-humanized,
it’s easy to give them a shot in the you-knowwhat.”
The dreaded gowns originated at a flour
milling company when a foreman got the idea. The
ties were placed in the back so that the company’s
flour logo would appear prominent on the front and
were situated at impossibly wide intervals by the
original designer who suffered from debilitating astigmatism.
“It was a lucky accident,” said Dr. Wormley. |
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Man Drives His Brand New Pickup Truck Into A Tavern |
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Jimmy Wayne Fortenberry, 41, of 272
River Park Road, drove his new, off-road pickup
truck through the plate glass windows of JoJo’s
Creek Lodge Wednesday afternoon, after being
refusedanother drink at the bar. No one was injured.
“I told him he’d had enough,” said proprietor
JoJo Pickens, “and when he started yelling at
me I told him to get out or I was calling the cops.”
Take The Overland Route
Fortenberry reportedly left the bar, got in
his truck and drove it at high speed over a small garden plot and through some evergreen shrubbery
and into the floor-to-ceiling windows, demolishing
a player piano and coming to rest between the
cash register and a bank of beer taps.
“Then,” said Pickens, “he pushed off his
airbag, rolled his window down and made an indecent
proposal to the barmaid. I told him he was in
big trouble. He asked if he could get a to-go order
of beer and put it on his tab. I took a swing at him
but it landed on the side view mirror.”
There Was No Way Out
Fortenberry then put the truck in reverse
and raced the engine attempting to back out, as patrons
at the bar scrambled for safety. The truck’s
rear axle was hanging over the remains of the piano,
however and it could not move.
Police arrived at the scene minutes later and
reported that Fortenberry offered to buy them a
round of drinks if they would help him get out of
the truck.
Fortenberry was arrested and charged with
multiple offenses. Pickens said it would take a
couple of weeks to get the bar back in shape.
“That don’t include the piano,” he added. |
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