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Bringing you the
South on a plate
 Without
a regular schedule.
Bob Cotten
Publisher,
Editor -In- Chief
Here at the Earnest Herald, we
disregard the pieties of modern journalism. Modern
journalism has become to reporting what the salesman’s joke
has become to intelligent conversation. Our mission is to
give you a yuck or two about some of the stuff that goes on
in here Earnest, not to bore you at the dinner table with
self-righteous platitudes from office-seeking blowhards or
fawning puffpieces from suck-ups in the press.
Why Latvia Should Become a
U.S. State
News From Europe
Latvian
Prime Minister, Einars Repse, announced the formation of an
“anti-absurdity” bureau to deal with the government’s
“excessive foolishness”, the general lack of order in the
civil service and the “laziness” of state bureaucrats.
The agency,
based in the capitol of Riga, currently receives about 10
complaints a day and has made over 450 responses, among
which were citations against seven government prosecuting
attorneys.
No Headway in France on
Truckers’ planned Strike
French
unions and trucking companies conducted inconclusive talks
yesterday in an attempt to avert what could be “crippling”
nationwide roadblocks. Union leaders held out little hope of
a deal on their demands for a one-sixth pay increase, one
month’s extra pay each year and a reduction in the current
35-hour work week.
An outside consultant company was
dismissed after they suggested the formation of an
“anti-absurdity” bureau, similar to one created recently in
Latvia, to arbitrate the standoff.
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Community
Landmark since 1919 |
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Old Ice
Plant to be Retired
by
Tommy Ferguson |
The
Consolidated Ice & Coal Company, in business on Sandy Bluff
Street for around three generations, will shut down at the
end of the day Friday, bringing to a close the oldest
continually operated business in town. Billy Eubanks, the
current owner and company president, cited lack of demand as
the main cause.
“People are getting their ice bagged now
from over at Farley,” he said, “because they can truck it in
cheaper than we can make it here. All we got is block ice
and anthracite.”
“I might seem a little crocked,” he continued, “but
I’ll be a worse than this at five O’clock.”
Eubanks, CEO since 1981, admitted that the market for his products had
“dried up”, beginning at about the time he bought the
company.
“It grieves me to lay off our work force,” said
Eubanks, “but I guess you can’t stop progress. Would any of
you boys like a drink?”
The work force at Consolidated Ice &
Coal consists of Greg Wofford, fleet supervisor and
compressor foreman, Bobby Spradlin, sales manager and Susie
Twiggs, bookkeeper, treasurer and inside sales director.
“Susie liked to have cried when I broke
the news,” he said. “She’s been here since 1950. I tell
you what, there ain’t nobody and I mean nobody knows ice as
good as Miss Twiggs. I sent her home.” He said the others
also expressed regrets.
“Greg and Bobby just sat out there on
the loading dock and split a case of beer and throwed rocks
at the cats.”
Joe Fawcett, Chamber of Commerce
president, said there had been interest in buying the plant
from what he termed “some city people from the capitol” but
that they balked at the costs involved in removing two huge,
decades-old mounds of “recyclable materials” from the rear
of the property.
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Did you know ...
George
Washington did not belong to a political
party. He was the only President elected
unanimously. He had a dog named "Sweet Lips" |
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The Truth in Earnest |
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The town of Earnest exists all
around the south but you’ll only find in
one place here. Unlike Atlantis, which
still advertises that it is real,
Earnest is completely and unabashedly
made up. The Earnest Herald is a real
newspaper but it, too, is a large fudge
of the facts and if you find your name
in it, be assured that nobody got it out
of a phone book or off a police blotter.
It was randomly harvested out of thin
air. You are however, welcome to claim
that it really is you if you want to. |
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Unpleasantness at Tavern |
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Bartholomew Hodges, 36, of 52 Elm St.,
was arrested under his motorcycle inside
Otis’s Bar & Grill last Friday afternoon
and charged with intimidation by vehicle
and public drunkenness.
He had attempted to pick up two women who were drinking
beer in a booth by showing them a rubber rattlesnake, according to a report
filed by Sheriff Wayne Fawcett.
Apparently when the women refused his advances,
Bartholomew went outside, cranked up his “Hog” motorcycle and drove it in through
the front door, causing extensive damage to the entranceway.
Lovey Campbell, barmaid, said she ran to the kitchen and got
a broom and chased Bartholomew around in a circle between the wall booths and
the center tables, trying to force him back out the door. The tables were
knocked over, slightly injuring three customers.
“He drove down by the pool tables, ”Lovey told a reporter,
“and then he turned around and revved it and come straight at me, wide open, I
jumped back but he hit the bubble gum machine and knocked out through the front
window.”
A patron at the bar tossed a half-filled pitcher of beer
into Bartholomew’s path on one of his runs up the aisle, causing the bike to go
out of control and slam into the pinball machine, pinning Bartholomew
underneath. He suffered minor burns, some cuts and bruises and was arrested by
Sheriff Fawcett at the scene.
Otis’s will be closed for repairs for about a week. |
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Was mother wrong afterall?
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Scientists
report in The Journal of Egolithic Medicine
this month that children who eat all their
spinach before being allowed to have dessert
die earlier when they get to be adults.
Those who kept their rooms tidy as kids were
seven times more likely to be arrested on
stock fraud charges after they grew up.
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UFO Spotters Club
Wants Land Saved |
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The Earnest Chapter of the UFO Spotters
Club has petitioned the city to preserve
land the city owns near Lake Ida dam
long enough for their researchers to
study the site for possible traces of a
UFO landing last week.
“We think it’s highly likely that a craft from outer space
landed at that location,” said club president Flick Ogburn, “then took plant
samples and some bugs and frogs and quickly took off again.”
The area, which club members have nicknamed “Roswell” is situated just
below the dam and is scheduled to be condemned to trespassing when the county
starts work on the new spillway this month.
“The fact of the matter,” said Earnest Solicitor, Robert Kitchens, “is that
there is less likelihood of a UFO landing in Earnest than there is of me being the
bastard son of the Duke of Wellington.”
Club members reported seeing “red balls of fire” arching
above trees in the gorge and hearing strange explosive noises the night of the
sighting.
“And that’s another thing,” said Kitchens, “why does every
damn one of these things happen at night? You’d think with all the hundreds of
thousands of spacemen landings, you’d at least have on spaceman with enough
curiosity to land the bloody thing in the daytime and pick on somebody besides
frogs and guys in pickups.”
“Incidentally,” Kitchens added, “the night of the so-called
space invasion was also the night Sheriff Fawcett arrested Junior Lorton and
Buddy Wilbank for sending lit railroad flares out of the gorge with a three-man
slingshot and breaking full bottles of beer on the rocks. That’s spacey enough
for Earnest, if you want my opinion.” |
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Congress to Test
New Equipment |
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Washington, D.C.---A joint, bipartisan committee made up of Senate
and House leaders today will begin testing hundreds of new, walnut
high chairs donated by the Kiddietime Furniture Company of Oskosh, WI, for the convenience of members.
The oversized high chairs are equipped with large food trays which feature
built-in bowls for holding such things as oatmeal, gelatin desserts and other
soft foods.
The move coincides with a massive decorating makeover
under way at both the Senate and House office buildings, featuring paintings of
cartoon characters on many of the walls, large, fuzzy, animal toys on
overstuffed sofas and chairs and plenty of bookshelves containing clown coloring
books, sparkle yo-yo’s, pea shooters and the entire collection of “Three
Stooges” films on video.
Congress, while keeping its traditional recess for the month
of August, will also begin having recess every day for a half hour before
lunchtime and another half hour after naptime. |
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Earnest Town Council
Adopts Slogan Change |
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Ever since the end of World War II, when Earnest became “The
Woodpecker City”, citizens have periodically petitioned town fathers for a
change. They have got their wish.
Retroactive to January 1 of the current year, the Earnest town
slogan will be “Earnest Endeavors!” and will be featured on new signs into town
on Route 136 and also at the exit off interstate 411.
Mayor Felton Clalypool said he was “fed up” with various parties
contending for the adoption of their particular slogans. Among the most
obstreperous of these he admitted, was the Hawthorn Garden Club, whose director,
Mrs. Betty Claude Coats, threatened to spray the jonquils around town hall with
Roundup if their offering, “The Rose Between Thorns” was not selected. Workers
at the pickle plant were holding out for “We’re in a Pickle”.
“I’m glad we got rid of the woodpecker thing,” the mayor told the
Herald, “and although the new slogan isn’t a lot better, at least it doesn’t get
us in hot water with the folks over in Thonberry or make us look like a
jackass.” |
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Senate Rejects IQ Testing Proposal |
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Washington --- The public record, having long evidenced that many members of Congress are not able to distinguish their posterior anatomies from small excavations in the landscape, is not sufficient reason to make senators take special IQ tests, according to members.
A proposal forwarded by Sen. Rocky Stone, D. TX, to mandate the tests, was defeated almost unanimously, with Stone's being the single vote for the "yeas".
"We think the questions are fair and not too complicated" said Senator Stone. "For example one simply asks how one should empty bladder secretions from a high-topped shoe."
One irate senator asked rhetorically, "if we're smart enough to keep getting elected to come back here, why do we need to know how to pour anything out of a boot?"
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Beer-Can Collection is Expected to Pay Benefits to Students in Earnest |
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“Recycle Mania” is the name given by Earnest High school football
coach, Jim Earl Thornberry, to a drive by students to turn aluminum
into cash for the school’s new flagpole and fishpond.
“We already got 300 pounds and it’s just the first week,
the coach said.
Thornberry estimates it will take 26 dump truckloads of beer cans
to raise enough cash for the pedestal of the flagpole, lost when the tornado went through last April.
"This does not in any way encourage our kids to drink beer," he said, responding to criticisms leveled by the Southside Decency League
The Beamon Beer Distributing Company, 1201 Wilson
Blvd., said it will donate a dollar to the drive for every case sold until the
drive ends. |
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Journalists,
Congressmen Seen
As More Trustworthy Than Deer Poachers, Tax Cheats, Pederasts |
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According to a recently published Gallup Poll, Americans rate the
trustworthiness of journalists at about the same level as
politicians and only slightly higher than used car salesmen. A
mere 21 percent of respondents believed that journalists actually
have high ethical standards, ranking them below shade tree mechanics
but tied even with members of Congress. Only one in four
people believe what they read in newspapers.
"Quote-Unquote"
"Horse sense is the thing a
horse has which keeps it from betting on people."
W.C. Fields |
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